2009-11-27
my "Defense of Passion"
I truly believe in something for which there are no words to explain. Or perhaps for which I personally am not prepared to explain, and so it is a project that I deeply fear for. I want the world to be able to access these ideas, but if not carefully delivered I may as well be shouting them on the side of the street since the looks I'll receive will be the same as those given to those poor "street-side converters" who so deeply believe what they think themselves. Living this way (with a knowledge you do not know how to communicate so that it immediately is not a 'knowledge') has got to make the insane more insane and the sane truly wonder...
My defense was not even complete, because once I began I realized I could not say more than the smallest fraction of what I believe I understand. The defense spoke only of a unity that people have lost in the struggle to survive, socialize, and thrive in society, and it did not even put it in those words. I am sometimes afraid to make my thoughts real by putting them to words because they seem SO real and SO sure to me, and so insane to anyone with whom I have discussed them. Isn't that insanity? Is my only differentiating factor from the street-side converters my ability to just say nothing?
I don't know. But lately I have thought how real the world finally feels, and have come to realize that anything can happen to me or anyone. Life becomes a very real thing, where before in it I have felt like a drifter, like a dreamer in a dreamscape. Now I feel like I am waking up, very slowly but very definitely. In this very real life, there is the very real possibility of an end of life, and though I am not particularly afraid or paranoid over that possibility, I do know that I want these thoughts out. Somewhere in this real world, not locked within my dreamscape.
goldenpear at 11:45 a.m.